Only grace.

I feel like falling into an abyss. I wish to wake up from it, but the problem is… I am awake. And THIS is real.

I need to write to declutter my thoughts. To get rid of this heaviness in my chest. And to hopefully pull this pit out of my stomach that is making me feel numb, lost and deeply sad all at the same time.

I need to write to emerge from the black hole. A part of me have been retreating from the world ever since I heard the sad news about someone that had been very instrumental to my faith. I still feel a lump in my throat when I think about it. For some reason the ground beneath my feet became more unstable. 

On our way to meet a lovely couple for lunch on Sunday, I had a sudden meltdown. That was when I first heard the news. The impact it had on me was instant. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I didn’t want to believe it at first. I tried to convince my husband that there must be a misunderstanding on his part. But he sounded certain. His certainty brought me to tears. THIS hurts. There are NO words…

I really want to wake up from this nightmare now. If only someone can pinch me, please?

One might say it is what it is. But I refuse to believe that this is it. I just CANNOT… and WILL NOT accept that.

I want to believe that this is just a bump on the road. A faith stretcher not just for the people involved, but for all of us whose lives have been touched by them. They have invested themselves into the lives of so many, including mine. And so despite this sad event, I am choosing to believe that “he” will find his way back to all that he has lost.

To you sir… I wish NOT to condemn you. The world has done enough of that already. On the contrary, I’d like to take you out for a cup of tea. I want to sit down with you, listen to what you’ve got to say if you will choose to open yourself up, and then REMIND you of WHO you WERE.

You were a man of faith! A man of God! A man with integrity!

You spoke with knowledge, sincerity and kindness.

You were a loving husband. A cool dad. An amazing friend and confidante.

You were faithful, generous, and gentle in spirit.

You helped whenever you saw there’s a need.

For someone who recently left her country, still new to her faith, and unsure about a lot of things, your home had been my refuge.

Your Godly counsel had been a light to my path.

You saw my tears and my broken heart. And you saw me rise up from that brokenness.

On the day I publicly professed my faith, you were there. You stood before me and held my hand. And we both held back our tears. You knew how important it was for me to get where I was. And YOU and other Godly people from that church helped me to get there.

So I refuse to buy that you have turned your back on everything you believed in.  I just can’t see how that is even remotely possible.

Perhaps you are just confused…

Perhaps you just needed to break away from the mold to find answers to life’s hard questions…

Perhaps you just need to be lost so you can find your faith again…

Perhaps you just need time…

And so as much as it hurts me to know that you are where you are right now, I am letting go of my perfect image of you. YOU were NOT perfect. You were NOT infallible. And we are all at fault for putting you in such a spot.

You have served the people around you faithfully in the best way you know how. You have led so many into the well of the living water.

But now that you seem to have lost your way… I wish to offer you whatever little light I have so you’re not completely stumbling in the dark.

I pray that you WILL find your way back to God’s faithful arms AGAIN.

I NEED YOU TO FIND YOUR WAY BACK.

The odds of you reading this post is slim. But if you happen to do so, I want to extend you my utmost grace.

No condemnation here.

Only mercy.

Only love.

Only grace.